But look look for guidance, prayer, and a community of people who are willing to support you, whatever path you choose. In almost all of the documents I have, poverty is a significant factor. Any help would be greatly appreciated! I am fairly convinced that my youngest, whom we got when she was 6 weeks old, has suffered almost as much as my wife and I. Foster parents lose their license and quite possibly the ability to adopt in that state and maybe the country. Thankyou for this post . It can, however, be diminished, and sometimes that has to be good enough. Love your sense of humor in the whole thing and your honesty and insights. And, for my wife and me, it has been among the most rewarding experiences of our lives. Maybe it’s cathartic (the emotional definition, not the medical definition). She would have been adopted before the week was out. Their parents were messed up. Children’s Rights has not verified the author’s account. My first placement was a 8 week old beautiful baby boy… who screamed at the top of his lungs that entire night. Still, you are an angel and I’m sure you are making a huge difference in your grandchild’s life! An appellate court threw out the jury decision and it went to the state supreme court, who denied hearing the case. Strangely it confirmed my feelings that this is something I should do in the future. If you think it can’t happen to you . I’m saddened that yet another piece of “oh poor me, look at what happened when I tried to be a foster parent” was published for the world to see. I had no reason to doubt I could be their savior and mom having also been a successful business owner for 28 years, a fill fledged entrepreneur, a TCI certified turnaround coach, life coach and domestic violence counselor. Great writing. 1. And not only had I received a benefit from racism, I found out that I was racist too! It is hard on you emotionally, physically and mentally. My only option to ever being able to give a child a loving home and very loving father, is adoption or fostering. Given that I have a very narrow definition of “impossible” to things that are truly _im_possible I would say that it is possible you could get the child. I also believe that judgment calls should be made individually as much as possible. It takes lots of love, patience, kindness and hard work but seeing the kids smile for the first time is priceless. I know her parents rights have been terminated. My wife and I also feel like the state lies, and manipulates us. But they have good intentions. The kids loved me, the parents… well they put up with me because I gave them time away from their children to have a date night. However, foster parents are free to make most decisions for the child, and can take them overseas on holidays (with parent consent – apparently, usually given). God bless you, do not grow weary of Doing Good. Secondary trauma is a very real thing, is largely ignored, and can have long term impacts, just as you are describing. So many things went on there, but only my outbursts were reported to my social worker. and with that the associated behavioral issues. I would adopt her in a minute. It is traumatic to be placed into a system where you don’t know who you’re going to be living with, you’re not familiar with their culture or beliefs, and you feel as if no one understands you. So, if anyone is considering fostering cause they think that is a better road to adoption will have a rude awakening. Your qualification for the root of “slave” is also eye-opening (re: ‘Slavic’ Byzantine era – thank you for that history lesson). I have been torn because of the stories of foster children stealing, hurting themselves, being trouble etc. It got real. Plus I think there are far greater problems than foster care. Having never had first-hand experience with traumatized, neglected and abused children who express anger through violent outbursts and cursing, hiding under chairs and 10 minutes later acting normal. That’s where hope is found. I want my agency to use this in their trainings. He was socially awkward and now he keeps friends. I own a gas guzzling SUV that s bigger than I need (and smile every time I push the accelerator harder than I have to). Thank you!! Or have the parents fail and then have the kids placed with a relative. I have become aggressive and depressive. This does not negate what has been suffered by black people, even to this day. We have a strong bond, but who knows what will happen throwing in all these other variables. A basic child gets you several hundred dollars per month. School police escorts to get to school, reports filed including photographs of mine and his injuries due to restraint to the county, yeah, I’ve done that. She was a white baby girl. But I am open to the possibility of error. But it had nothing to do with the kids.. and everything to do with the system.. We just needed information and if they had just communicated with us.. at all.. things could have been so much better. Both are actually bad conditions. But I can tell you that from all of the people I know who have fostered exactly none of them (as in zero) did it for money. This is doubly true if you are hoping to adopt. So I cannot possibly see how the content of the course did NOT designate me as a racist *simply* because of the color of my skin. In that case, they have a 70% failure rate. I feel so bad to give up on her, how will I live with the guilt, but I hate coming home, I have a wonderful husband, but he only wants to keep the peace and pretend we are one happy family. ), they have benefited from racism.” I am a new foster mom (approved 7 days ago) . But I know of people who did and how they had to stop fostering because of what it was doing to their family. Kinsmanship is not easy either and a lot of the funding Foster parents receive, Kinsmanship does not. For me, I would never talk to anyone and I channeled my anger through defiance and opposition. My step daughter is fostering 4 children and from what she tells, although not much, is just like your story plus just reading your story makes me understand what she goes through on a daily basis, I feel for her,she is doing a good job as far as I can tell,she lives in another state and just started the process about a year ago, she received a new born all 4 kids are from the same parents thank god.I just wish there was a law for a biological mom to have her rubes tied or for a father to be fixed,i think it’s disgusting that these woman keep having babies with no consequence. She made me feel so welcome. We weren’t looking, we just fell in love with her. We are not emotionally equipped for it either, and I don’t know that you really can be. This means a forty five drive right after school, doesn’t matter the child is tired, sick, has a school event, homework and hasn’t or, will not eat supper at a normal hour or, that the weather is threatening. I will presume that, in general, a family with only one parent is either bad (or less good) than a family with two parents. My biggest fear is my GS will be removed from my care which will end up tramatizing him. It’s not violent, or angry, but it is intensely focusing. Now, if you believe that all of this is true that’s fine, I won’t argue with you (you’d be wrong, anyway). Thank you for letting me know we are not alone in feeling like fostering/kinsman isn’t a Sunday afternoon Disney film. We have had our first foster placement for two months and even though the disruption to our family was jolting, we could not have asked for an easier little fellow. For example, some states require that families seeking to adopt also take foster parent training and get approved to foster. © 2020 Children’s Rights. Well good because I did a public speaking speech, for communications 301 class for my college transfer/ged requirements last spring semester) and got and A for my final grade (some hitler doesn’t have for his little speeches), on a research by a child psychologist that adolf hitler and 3,00 other historical figures in history could have had Asperger’s Syndrome. To be honest I don’t really know why I’m publishing it. Especially those that have been discarded and abused by society. Developmental Delays. Being a minority does seam to lead to being on the receiving end of the kind of racism that puts you in the penalty box socially and financially. They just want to close the case. Heh, you could be so lucky. Blessings. Your little sister was probably better off not going to a home with that foster Dad though, as he probably would have abused her even worse than he abused you and your brothers. I cannot explain to you how much damage this family caused by all their good intentions. My husband Ann I have been trying to get pregnant for about 6 years now and we are now ready to explore other options. This is going to sound harsh, and that is not my intent, but with the realities of how things work, I suggest you grieve instead. I want to show them that no matter where they came from, they can succeed. Foster care isn’t easy. That would seem to indicate that they get out of the system quicker. Our visit are on Thursday evening ending at six thirty. We live in a society with a long history of racism and racist institutions. Spent 3 full days on his appointments before his parent visit. And do it quickly. Some kids use their cuteness. At 7:00 in the morning, the director cut to the two year old who had just woken up and whose diaper was sagging to his knees. That’s a horrible position to put someone in. It is not some diabolical scheme to hurt these kids. All of these things translate to delays. I really enjoyed the article. Instead, I will help by being a literacy volunteer for children-at-risk or something similar. As expected, I am not ready to be a foster parent but in a few years I think I will be. Any advise would be appreciated. For kinship placements, those standards are very low. Well they’re is alotof foster home I found out from my foster parents that get shut down due to crazy foster kids from biological family enviorments, like the one you have mentioned where came to your home. It helps them become more manageable both for the foster parent and for themselves. But, I think. I do want to comment on one thing. There have been so many things the counselors or medications being prescribed for the children haven’t been able to do in helping the children, or us as a family unit. The state has what is called Minimum Standards. That is the extent that CPS monitors the family. hey you didn’t talk about how foster kids decide to make false accusations against their foster parents. If I were to venture a guess, the fear of emotional pain for you is quite high. I am a single business woman working from home as well. After, you are told this is the second round of Cps intervention. We are attending our first orientation and after reading this… I am still going, bc it IS my duty. I can sympathize with both your concerns. In this case, the medium is anger (i.e. To me it reads that she was possibly exposed to situations that lead to this behavior. The minute the drug testing stops, the use begins again – and it takes almost a year for things to slide back down to the point where someone will actually step in and remove the children. (What the agencies don’t tell you)” More character than you could possibly want. he really didn’t give me a reason but I believe it’s cause I take prescription pain meds from broken neck yes ago cause a lot of nerve damage but I think that’s bullshit I don’t abuse my meds or do any other drug or drink I was willin to take a drug addicted baby & care for her like my own he says that’s not why but can’t or wnt really give me a reason why but said I could potention the court. I probably won’t foster or attempt to adopt. However, my life is so pleasant, so easy and simple. If you are not prepared for that level of commitment and having your heart broken by child, parent and state, multiple times over, then you should not be a foster parent. I know they are overworked.. Foster parents don’t sit through that bureaucratic anal probe with a smile on their face because they like it. Regardless if it was a misguided effort at ‘cultural sensitization’, as a humanist, I can see how it must have been an affront to your senses. Thank you for what you do and I pray for your strength. How vacuous is a position where an absence of evidence is irrelevant and presuming one’s innocence is a pronouncement of guilt? Sure white privilege remains intact as long as the assets of the previous generation remain intact and are passed to the next, but now, once you get knocked out you will not find any favors for your lighter skin. My partner and I going to begin training next month. This is presumably because a lot of foster parents are white (I have met several black foster parents, but where I live they are mostly white) whereas the population of the foster care system is largely Black or Mexican. You hit so many issues spot on! ), they have benefited from racism.” I have written and rewritten pages of responses to that over the past 2.5 hours which I have ultimately deleted only to say that it’s one of the most historically, theologically, philosophically, economically, sociologically ignorant statements I’ve ever read. I didn’t find this post discouraging at all. the baby had broken ribs, bruises, cuts, and so forth. I really hope you do not want to be a foster parent. I am a 40 yr old divorced man. If you are, or have been, a foster parent and would like to share your experience please feel free to do so there. My husband and I are about to begin classes next month, and reading this post and all of the shares of others has been sobering. She gave me my own room, called me “daughter” and cheered me up when I was sad. And I don’t remember any of it. Very few Spaniards are in the Texas foster care system. We are emotionally scarred and beaten. People do not understand what it is like until they have experienced it. There is real segment of the lighter skinned population that is actually experiencing the racism that current culture says can only happen to people of color. I realize that I am already going into this with the wrong feelings intact. He is going through teenager attitude and rebellion with a 10 year old mindset. Other than that, nice read. I didn’t go to college but worked hard and eventually got married, moved to the U.S. from my home in Canada, started a business, failed at it, but kept working hard eventually landing some good contract work which led to a good job, which led to recording two albums and writing two books, which led to another job, which led to starting a business, failing at it again and landing another job for a great company. The Foster Parent Experience "We have been doing treatment foster care for over 11 years. He came to me at 18 months only speaking 2 words, they were supposed to have in place Early Intervention but that didn’t happen until I got him. I hope there has been light sent your way to overpower the darkness. But to work, morality must be improved among all colors. I know who my Dad is and where he was for my childhood. These inspiring stories are great tools for gaining perspective and highlighting the role each of us has in enhancing the lives of children and youth in foster … Make sure that they won’t just wait for you to make your needs know but that they will check in on you and be willing to shoulder some of the burden. Thank you. White slaves were brought to black Muslims in Africa by the boatload. But not only that, my perspective is that what has been done to the black family by keeping people in poverty and encouraging broken families is deplorable, even though the intention behind it is good (intending to alleviate poverty, but using means that are virtually guaranteed to fail). My neighbors are foster parents. Based on the foster care system you describe I am not sure the means justify the ends(for us). Foster parents do it for the money. If I knew what I now know… She is a master manipulator, loves male attention and is constantly playing mind games with me. I felt so lonely, thinking this girl is three! As much as they are coming in with their own baggage, so are you. I would also caution against blaming one part of the system. (We haven’t tried at all yet). I am not completely dissuaded but I have realized that I did not understand the cost. Because it was an interstate kinship placement no one seemed able to get the medicaid or stipend in place – both f which I told them I needed to provide childcare and medical care/counseling for the kids. And when I say “sexual abuse” let your imagination run wild. But they go way out of their way to make special trips to visit us and do what they can. I’m exhausted. But racism has affected my white family as well. It puts you through the ringer like nothing else. I always knew that one day I would be grown and would no longer have to live in strangers’ homes. I know we could adopt outright if we wanted to, but I am hoping we can help multiple children get through hard times while we try to decide if long-term parenting is for us. My daughter is a Meth addict and her current husband has multiple felony drug convictions for using and dealing drugs. Had I not kept in contact with those few good apples, I could have become a victim of the system but instead I remain victorious. In kinsman care, you are a sitting duck for unwelcomed visits. I’ve struggled a lot as a child and I am strong but I want to help other kids who could possible have had the same experience as me. And if she had stayed with us we would not have taken in any more children and we would not have gotten to adopt the kids we now have. What I would say is that the right decision will probably involve some level of sacrifice. Any advice appreciated – parental rights were severed and theoretically the kids are available for “kinship adoption” but they refuse to separate the sibling group Anyone know how to deal with theses people? Until my world came crashing down and I found this out about my life. I stayed there for about five years, but they weren’t the most pleasant years. 100% There’s a take and investigate later mentality. But a bigger problem is the recurring chain of poverty. 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